It’s 11:30pm on a Tuesday
And I’m staring at my phone, thumb hovering over the ‘accept’ button for the third dinner invitation this week. I’m exhausted, I have a pile of laundry that’s starting to judge me, and frankly, I just wanna watch Succession in peace. But here’s the thing: I’m terrible at saying no.
I blame my mom. Not completely, but kinda. She’s the kind of woman who’d volunteer to bake 214 cupcakes for a PTA fundraiser while juggling a full-time job and a side hustle. She’s amazing, but she taught me that saying no is basically admitting defeat. So there I am, at 11:30pm, about to say yes to another thing I don’t wanna do.
But not this time. Nope. I’m putting my foot down. Literally. I’m gonna press ‘decline’ and go to bed early. It’s a small victory, but it’s a start.
Why is saying no so hard?
I asked my friend Marcus about this. Let’s call him Marcus because his real name is embarrassing and he’d kill me if I used it. Anyway, Marcus is a people-pleaser extraordinaire. He once drove 36 hours to help a friend move because he ‘didn’t wanna let him down.’
I said, ‘Marcus, that’s insane. You could’ve just said no.’
He looked at me like I’d suggested he punch a puppy. ‘But what if he needed me?’ he said.
Which… yeah. Fair enough. But here’s the thing, Marcus: not every crisis is a real crisis. Sometimes, people just need a yes-man. And that’s not always a good thing.
I get it, though. Saying no feels like you’re letting people down. It feels like you’re being selfish. But honestly? It’s not. It’s about setting boundaries. And boundaries are healthy. They’re like the fence around your yard. You wouldn’t let your neighbor’s dog poop on your lawn, would you? (Unless you’re into that, in which case, no judgment.)
Boundaries are your right. They’re not mean, they’re not selfish. They’re necessary. So why do we suck at them?
I tried an experiment
About three months ago, I decided to say no to one thing a week. Just one. It could be a dinner invite, a work project, a coffee date. Anything. I’d say no, and I’d see what happened.
The first time was hard. I felt guilty. I felt like a bad friend, a bad colleague, a bad human. But you know what? The world didn’t end. In fact, nobody even cared. They were fine. And I was… relieved.
I told my colleague named Dave about this. Dave’s a journalist, works for business news update. He’s always got a million deadlines and a million coffee dates. He’s the kind of guy who’s always ‘too busy’ but never says no.
‘You’re brave,’ he said when I told him about my experiment.
‘Brave? I’m just saying no to a dinner invite.’
‘Exactly,’ he said. ‘That’s brave.’
Huh. I never thought of it that way.
But what if they get mad?
Here’s the thing: sometimes, they will. Not always. But sometimes. And that’s okay. Because their reaction is about them, not you. If someone gets mad at you for setting a boundary, that’s their issue, not yours.
I learned this the hard way. There was this one time, back in 2018, I think? Or was it 2019? Whatever. There was this woman, let’s call her Karen—
‘Oh no,’ you’re thinking. ‘Here we go.’
Yeah, I went there. Anyway, Karen was a ‘friend’ who always needed favors. And I mean always. She’d call me at 2am to help her move a couch, she’d ask me to cover her shifts at the coffee shop, she’d even ask me to pretend to be her at her mom’s birthday party because she ‘didn’t feel like dealing with her.’
One day, I said no. Just no. No explanation, no excuse. Just no.
She was mad. Like, really mad. She called me selfish, she called me a bad friend, she even called my mom. (Which, by the way, was a mistake. My mom is a beast.)
But you know what? I’m glad I said no. Because Karen wasn’t a friend. She was a user. And setting that boundary, as hard as it was, was the best thing I could’ve done for myself.
So how do you say no?
It’s not easy. But it’s simpler than you think. You just… say it. ‘No, I can’t.’ ‘No, I don’t wanna.’ ‘No, I’m busy.’ That’s it. No long explanation, no dramatic buildup. Just no.
But if you’re like me and you need a little more, here’s a formula I like:
‘I can’t do that, but I can…’ or ‘I can’t do that, but maybe…’
It’s about offering an alternative. Because sometimes, people just need a little help. And that’s okay. But it’s your choice whether you give it or not.
And remember, saying no isn’t about being selfish. It’s about being honest. It’s about setting boundaries. It’s about taking care of yourself. And that’s a good thing.
So go ahead. Say no. You might be surprised at how good it feels.
And if not, well, at least you’ll have more time to watch Succession.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a laundry pile and a TV show.
About the Author
Sarah Miller is a senior editor with 20+ years of experience in the magazine industry. She’s written for major publications, but her real expertise lies in saying no to things she doesn’t wanna do. When she’s not editing or watching Succession, she’s probably arguing with her mom about boundaries or trying to convince Marcus to say no to something. She lives in Austin with her cat, who is judging her laundry pile as we speak.
